I feel like I need a painkiller. I kind of need it but, in a way, I escape taking it, cuz that pain feeds my existence, vitality and vulnerability. I’m strong, indifferent to any pain , but it’s there and it will always bother me. I need a reason to fail, a reason to stop caring, a reason to be somewhat ‘rational’. Fuck that. I don’t need that. I sometimes try to wake up from this, but it’s too real. I don’t fake it. It has never been this real for a long time. It’s hard to think I might not have this one day.
This feeling is real. I cannot possibly fake it. In my feels again, I do this too often, but this time it’s at its peak. I’m not guilty of it. Now I know how you can be totally in love with every single moment of the day, every single reason to speak a word, now I feel that life is beautiful, I wanna live it, I don’t want this to be over.
The melody makes me cry. This is a calm cry. (I was desperate to do this, now I’m free. My tears are poisoned with the roots of the pain of mine. The roots are too deep I feel like I might cry a lot.
It’s funny , I’m sad and almost too happy at the same time. It’s weird, how weird. A dilemma. This happiness that came into my life can never be taken away from me. I feel connected. I feel at home. I feel understood, but, is it real? Why can’t we know it for sure. I know it, I can sense it and I’m afraid to sleep, afraid to stop feeling this for a few hours.